Study Claims Swearing Can Help Relieve Pain

Screaming #$@%! just might help things after all

The next time you hurt yourself, try screaming your favorite swear words at the top of your lungs. It just might help numb the pain. That’s what new research suggests anyway.

Scientists at Keele University have found that swearing can have a powerful painkilling effect, particularly for people who don’t normally swear. (Relax, there’s still some benefit in it for the rest of us.)

To test the theory, student volunteers placed their hands in buckets of ice cold water while swearing repeatedly.

The exercise was conducted a second time with the volunteers uttering harmless phrases throughout instead of swearing.

Researchers found that the students were able to keep their hands submerged in the icy water for longer periods of time while repeating swear words — establishing a link between swearing and an increase in pain tolerance. They also found that the pain-numbing effect was four times more effective in volunteers who did not normally swear. (No %@!#?)

According to the researchers, the study proves that the response caused by screaming obscenities is not only emotional, but physical as well. This may explain why the age-old practice developed in the first place, and why we persist in embracing it with such exuberance today. (Well #%!& me, I would’ve never guessed)

Dr Richard Stephens, who worked on the project, said: ”Swearing has been around for centuries and is an almost universal human linguistic phenomenon.” (No $%#@, Sherlock)

”It taps into emotional brain centers and appears to arise in the right brain, whereas most language production occurs in the left cerebral hemisphere of the brain. Our research gives us one potential reason why swearing developed and why it persists.”

It’s about %$#&*!! time somebody figured this %$#@ out.

Annoying Orange: No More Mr. Knife Guy

Every once in awhile, a little fresh-squeezed humor is necessary

Have you met this guy yet? His name is Annoying Orange, and that he is. He irritates the hell out of other fruits, vegetables, and nearby animated objects, with stupid puns, jokes, and sarcasm.

Orange lives on a kitchen counter, which he shares with his best friend Pear. Despite being his friend, Pear finds Orange to be just as annoying as everyone else does. Other fruits on the counter include Passion, Midget Apple, Marshmallow, and Grandpa Lemon.

Most episodes of Annoying Orange consist of him heckling other characters, who often not only become annoyed with Orange, but also meet a sudden and gruesome end; usually by evisceration with a chef’s knife. Orange tries to warn them before it happens of course, by blurting out the weapon-in-use, such as “Knife!”

Annoying Orange has his own YouTube channel, but I prefer his website for videos. Check out his travels through time:

You gotta love this little orange smart ass, yellow teeth and all.

Did Aliens Really Land in Roswell?

That question may have just become a whole lot less crazy

I know, I think it’s crazy too. At least I thought it was crazy. It’s one of the most widely-asked questions that arise whenever anyone discusses government secrets: Did aliens land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947?

I’ve always looked down my snarky nose a bit at “saucer freaks.” From their ridiculous conventions to the really weird ones who claim to have been abducted by aliens, (I can never figure out if they’re nuts, or just good liars) I’ve pretty much dismissed the lot of them as looney tunes. Anyway, after the FBI recently opened access to an online “vault” of previously-secret documents, the Roswell question may have just become a lot less crazy.

“The Vault” is the official name the FBI has given to a “revamped FBI website for documents that have been released through the Freedom of Information Act and have been recently or often requested,” according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

According to the website, The Vault contains over 2,000 searchable documents. Enter a keyword in the upper right-hand corner, and up pops a list of matching documents.

Try it yourself: Typing “Roswell” produces a document which may show that aliens did in fact land in Roswell. (Stay with me here) It discloses:

A bizarre memo that appears to prove that aliens did land in New Mexico prior to 1950 has been published by the FBI.

The memo, entitled “Flying Saucers,” was sent to FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover from Guy Hottel, the special agent in charge of the Washington field office in 1950.

In the memo, Agent Hottel reveals that an Air Force investigator had stated that “three so-called flying saucers had been recovered in New Mexico.”

The investigator gave the information to a “special agent,” he said. The FBI has censored the identity of both the Air Force investigator and “special agent.”

Agent Hottel went on to write:

“They were described as being circular in shape with raised centers, approximately 50 feet in diameter. Each one was occupied by three bodies of human shape but only 3 feet tall. The bodies were dressed in a metallic cloth of a very fine texture. Each body was bandaged in a manner similar to the blackout suits used by speed flyers and test pilots.”

Hottel also said that the Air Force investigator claimed the saucers had been found in New Mexico “due to the fact that the Government has a very high-powered radar station in that area and it is believed the radar interfered with the controlling mechanisms of the saucers.”

I still think it’s a bunch of bullhockey, but DAMN. As is the case with the JFK assassination conspiracy theories and Barrack Obama’s birth certificate nonsense, if there is anything we don’t know, when the hell are we gonna find out?

 

Crazy Images From the Past

From guns on bicycles to tennis on the wing of an airplane; these people knew how to party

If you think life in the early 20th century was a laid-back, nap-on-the-porch, grandma and grandpa sort of existence, a trip through these pictures will change your mind; these people were crazy. Safety and self-preservation were yet to be discovered concepts, and a now infamous symbol had an entirely different identity.

Ah, the good old days of the Swastika. Not only did Hitler ruin a perfectly good mustache for future generations, (not to mention the name “Adolph”), he forever deprived the world of one of the classic good-luck symbols of all time: the Swastika. Seriously, prior to its use by the Nazis, the Swastika got around. Check it out:

The Windsor Swastikas were a Canadian hockey team from 1905–1916. It’s safe to say that these uniforms have never been busted out for “throw-back jersey” night, don’t you think?

Then of course there was women’s hockey:

We also had the 1909 Chilocco Indian basketball team and the San Francisco YMCA Swastika:

A bicycle built for two. Has a nostalgic, kinda romantic ring to it, doesn’t it? For these guys — not so much:

This 1890’s photo is of the legendary “Armless Wonder” Charles Tripp of Woodstock, Canada, who was born without arms. In front of him sits Eli Bowen of Ohio, who was born without legs. Is this a match made in heaven, or what? By my calculation, Eli would have to sit on Chuck’s lap for them to drive a car, is that the way you see it?

Tennis, anyone? I don’t know much about physics, but something tells me the ball would never make it to the guy on the other side of the net. I know what you’re thinking; they had to hit it towards the front of the plane to compensate for the wind, right? What about that pesky propeller?

From the “weapons that looked good on paper” department, we have this clever little killing machine:

This would still be funny even if the guy wasn’t wearing a tie, bowler hat and dress shoes. Apparently, natty attire provided a strategic advantage to those brave combatants of yesteryear.

Teddy Roosevelt had a completely different idea for gaining an edge on the enemy:

This picture is real. It was taken during the 1900 presidential election campaign. Beats kissing babies I guess.

Hum Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls just want to have fun” while reading this: From the “Klan just wants to have fun” category, here’s that zany bunch of misfits enjoying a light-hearted day at the fair:

I imagine they stayed away from the roller coaster to avoid the risk of those peek-a-boo hoods flying off, don’t you? Klan babes chose a different form of relaxation back in the day. Who doesn’t love a parade?

From the “who in their right mind would do this the first time?” files, here’s an amusing form of entertainment:

How exactly does one practice for this? Why didn’t the horse refuse to cooperate the second time?

Finally, in the spirit of “it sounded like a good idea at the time,” we have the “Model T vending machine.”

I wonder what you had to do if you put a nickel in the slot, and your car got stuck at the top — like a bag of chips? Shaking or kicking the machine doesn’t seem like it would’ve done the trick, does it?

So You Think Things Couldn’t Get Any Worse, Huh?

It’s happened six times in our peaceful little planet’s violent past

Have you ever wondered what would happen if an asteroid hit the earth, just as one did over four billion years ago? Actually, come to think of it, I have. Let’s assume that asteroid is 300 miles in diameter — larger than the main island of Japan. Oh yeah, it’s the same size as the one that dropped by last time.

First, the crust of the earth would be “peeled away like an orange skin.” Debris the size of city blocks would be hurled into space. The rim of the crater would be higher than any mountain range on earth today. After that, things take a turn for the worse:

So you’ve been in situations where you’ve felt “the heat?” Let’s talk about HEAT. The earth could get as hot as the surface of the sun. Accordingly to Brown University’s Dr. Peter Schultz, the energy would “literally fry all living organisms” on the planet. (Thus depriving health nuts of requesting broiled salmon for dinner that evening)

One day after impact, all life on the planet would be vaporized and the earth would look like this:

The oceans would start to bubble and boil. One month later, they would be gone completely. (Which of course, would have a devastating impact on ocean-front property values)

Scientists believe similar impacts have happened six times in the earth’s history. Were it to happen today, the only upside I see is politicians and special interest groups wouldn’t be around to blame each other.

Wanna see more scary details? Watch the video:

In the spirit of “it could be worse,” yep, it sure could. Our goofy pal in the upper right hand corner might even agree. Or maybe not.

These Are Some Ugly-Ass Creatures

Sam, the Chinese Crested. The ugliest dog on the planet. Discussion over.

The Aye Aye of Madagascar. Maybe more weird than ugly. Either way, wouldn’t want him in my lap.

The Sphynx Cat. Ugly – and hairless on top of it.

The Blobfish. Creature from the Black Lagoon looking, isn’t it?

The Star Nosed Mole. Snotty looking creature too.

The Naked Mole Rat. Damn.


The Tarsier. Okay, maybe not ugly, but REALLY CREEPY.


The Hatchet Fish. I got nothin’.

The Goblin Shark. Looks like a 5th grader made this for science class, doesn’t it?

The Proboscis Monkey. If you like big noses, this guy makes Jimmy Durante look like Brad Pitt.