Vampire Woman Gets Horns

Who wouldn’t kill for an awesome set of titanium horns?

If you hover your curser over the image of our pal in the upper-right corner, the caption reads “When you realize you’re the guest of honor at a self-thrown pity party, stop and look around; it could be a hell of a lot worse.”

Meet Mexican tattoo artist Maria Jose Cristerna, also known as “Mujer Vampiro.” (Vampire Woman) This foxy mother of four from Mexico showed off her sexy self at a tattoo exhibition in Monterrey, California recently.

Her “unique look” includes vampire teeth, creepy contacts, and a pair of awesome earrings. Guess what? She’s not finished; Vampire Woman says she plans to have more horns implanted. Of course she does!

The tattoos? Maria says they’re a “form of liberation.” From WHAT Maria? She claims that her new titanium horns are her way of “being immortal.”  She adds that the new horns, which were implanted without anesthetic, are a “symbol of strength.”  Yeah, that – or stupidity.

Good grief.

Murder Solved After Cops Find Crime Scene Tattooed on Gang Member’s Chest

You just can’t make this stuff up

When 23-year old John Juarez was shot dead in front of a Los Angeles liquor store in 2004, the police were unable to figure out who did it. The case remained unsolved  — until a vigilant cop happened upon a curious mug shot four years later.

Meet 22-year-old Anthony Garcia, a member of the notorious LA gang Rivera-13, who was arrested in 2008 for driving without a license. As part of the booking procedure, police took pictures of his tattoos and entered them into their database.

Later that year, Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Homicide Detective Sergeant Kevin Lloyd was looking through photos when he noticed something odd: the scene tattooed on the front of Garcia‘s chest looked a whole lot like the crime scene from the Juarez murder.

Cincidence? Not so much. Stupidity? You bet:

The LA Sheriff’s Department describes the similarities Lloyd noticed:

The tattoo window and frames of the store are similar to the crime scene photo of the liquor store; even the tattoo line on the roof represents the Christmas lights.

The tattoo shows a “peanut man” being shot by a helicopter, then falling face down.

The gang nickname of convicted murderer Anthony Garcia is “Chopper.”

Garcia’s gang refers to members of its rival gang as “peanuts.”

The direction that the shots were fired matched those depicted in the tattoo.

The tattoo street light and street sign to the left of the liquor store resemble the corner of Rosemead and Carron, the scene of the murder.

After Lloyd recognized the mural, sheriff’s detectives arrested Garcia for the shooting. Believing he was talking to gang members, Garcia bragged to under-cover cops about carrying out the shooting. Of course he did.

Garcia was convicted of first-degree murder this week in a case that police had at one time given up hope of ever solving. That is until Anthony Garcia’s arrogant stupidity got the best of him. The moron of morons.

Did Aliens Really Land in Roswell?

That question may have just become a whole lot less crazy

I know, I think it’s crazy too. At least I thought it was crazy. It’s one of the most widely-asked questions that arise whenever anyone discusses government secrets: Did aliens land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947?

I’ve always looked down my snarky nose a bit at “saucer freaks.” From their ridiculous conventions to the really weird ones who claim to have been abducted by aliens, (I can never figure out if they’re nuts, or just good liars) I’ve pretty much dismissed the lot of them as looney tunes. Anyway, after the FBI recently opened access to an online “vault” of previously-secret documents, the Roswell question may have just become a lot less crazy.

“The Vault” is the official name the FBI has given to a “revamped FBI website for documents that have been released through the Freedom of Information Act and have been recently or often requested,” according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

According to the website, The Vault contains over 2,000 searchable documents. Enter a keyword in the upper right-hand corner, and up pops a list of matching documents.

Try it yourself: Typing “Roswell” produces a document which may show that aliens did in fact land in Roswell. (Stay with me here) It discloses:

A bizarre memo that appears to prove that aliens did land in New Mexico prior to 1950 has been published by the FBI.

The memo, entitled “Flying Saucers,” was sent to FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover from Guy Hottel, the special agent in charge of the Washington field office in 1950.

In the memo, Agent Hottel reveals that an Air Force investigator had stated that “three so-called flying saucers had been recovered in New Mexico.”

The investigator gave the information to a “special agent,” he said. The FBI has censored the identity of both the Air Force investigator and “special agent.”

Agent Hottel went on to write:

“They were described as being circular in shape with raised centers, approximately 50 feet in diameter. Each one was occupied by three bodies of human shape but only 3 feet tall. The bodies were dressed in a metallic cloth of a very fine texture. Each body was bandaged in a manner similar to the blackout suits used by speed flyers and test pilots.”

Hottel also said that the Air Force investigator claimed the saucers had been found in New Mexico “due to the fact that the Government has a very high-powered radar station in that area and it is believed the radar interfered with the controlling mechanisms of the saucers.”

I still think it’s a bunch of bullhockey, but DAMN. As is the case with the JFK assassination conspiracy theories and Barrack Obama’s birth certificate nonsense, if there is anything we don’t know, when the hell are we gonna find out?

 

Abercrombie & Fitch Introduces Padded Push-Up Bikini Tops for 8-year-old Girls

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THINGS CAN’T GET ANY STUPIDER, ALONG COMES ABERCROMBIE & FITCH (AGAIN)

Abercrombie & Fitch, the retailer most associated with sexualizing young adults, has a great new idea for 8-year-old girls: Padded, push-up bikini tops. How awesome is that? The tops are available on the company’s website: Abercrombie Kids. (a website with a target audience of 7-13 year-olds)

Here’s a screen-grab of the bikini top from the A&F website as it was originally posted:

When word got out that A&F had stepped in it again and the controversy began, a couple of subtle changes were quickly made to the website. It’s on sale too! Those clever devils are sneaky, huh?  Check it out:

Controversy over the sexualization of young girls is nothing new to A&F. Cast your mind back to 2002; remember when the company was selling thongs to pre-teens? Class act. Thongs that were decorated with cherries and hearts on them no less. Oh, and sayings like “wink wink” and “kiss me.” The outrage was substantial, prompting a bizzare response from a company spokesman:

“It’s not appropriate for a 7 year old, but it is appropriate for a 10 year old. (“it” being a thong) Once you get to about 10, you start to care about your underwear, and you start to care about your clothes.”

What a responsible company; nothing like being on the leading edge of 10-year-old girls caring about their underwear. I wonder how many of those little bikini tops A&F execs will be giving their children as gifts this year?

If You Hang Around Long Enough, Nothing Will Surprise You Anymore

From hell freezing over to flying pigs

I decided to write flying pigs for several of reasons. We live in a pretty crazy world these days and no matter how hard I try, it’s very difficult for me to keep my big mouth shut when something gets my attention. Don’t misunderstand me, not all of the insanity is bad, mind you. Much of the nonsense going on out there is hilarious. Even better, the really hysterical stuff isn’t supposed to be funny at all. That’s what makes it so entertaining.

Anyway, flying pigs gives me the ability to make snarky comments and pass judgement as I see fit. I don’t miss many opportunities to second-guess, play Monday morning quarterback, or say “I told you so.” Life is good.

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Sometimes I’ll just pass along odd stories, like the one about the 19-year old kid who built a death-ray that actually works. Aside from the fact that he managed to put this thing together in the first place, what do you suppose was going on in his head that made him want to do it? Having been a creative lad myself, (who chased around ants with a magnifying glass) I also wonder what sorts of things he’s zapped with it that he isn’t telling us about. One can only imagine.

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And how about Allstate’s research, which suggests that people’s driving habits could be related to their astrological signs? I’m serious. According to Allstate, Scorpios are only involved in 1.5% of accidents while Virgos are 700% more likely to get in wrecks. Does this mean that we should now begin asking cab drivers, truckers, bus drivers and pilots, “What’s your sign?”

C’mon back. There’s plenty of ridiculous stuff out there to talk about.