It’s What’s for Dinner

You might want to rethink that trip to New Guinea

Remember the Beef Industry Council’s advertising campaign several years ago featuring the Sam Elliott voice-over? “Beef, it’s what’s for Dinner.” Loved that. Usually made me hungry too.

If you’re planning your own little National Geographic type safari to the jungles of Papau New Guinea anytime soon, you just might want to give some serious thought to booking a different trip. Perhaps a ride or two on Disney World’s Jungle Cruise would be a bit more appetizing – or should we say less appetizing?

Okay, this is no laughing matter for members of one particular tribe in New Guinea. Especially those who have been eaten by other members. The “what’s for dinner?” question takes on a whole new meaning with these people.

Yep, there’s a tribe in Papua who “meats” out justice by eating members who end up on the wrong side of the local witch doctor. (yeah, I knows it’s “metes” but I couldn’t resist.) Following a ritualistic sing-sing ceremony, the name of the offending party mysteriously ends up in the ear of the “magic man.” Needless to say, this is a rather unfortunate turn of events for the soon-to-be main course.

These folks proceed to kill and eat those potentially tasty, yet unfortunate souls whom they believe have “caused illness” which brings harm to their village. The tribe is perfectly fine with their dinner selection (buffet style) since they no longer view suspected culprits as human; they have become witches; witches who must be snacked on to be destroyed.

So how often does this happen you ask? Apparently not frequently enough for human entrées to show up as “daily specials” at any of the jungle’s popular dining establishments. Once every six months or so appears to be the norm, although I’m sure more than a few members of the tribe would say that’s often enough, thank you.

Okay, let’s get down to the morbid nitty gritty: What exactly do people taste like? “Rather delicious,” says one tribe member. I was hoping “chicken” would be the answer. Not only did a bit of research on the subject prove to be inconclusive; I’m now afraid the police are gonna show up at the door asking: “Why did you Google ‘what does human meat taste like?’” While nobody seems to know for sure, rumor has it that human pot roast tastes similar to veal, or a “sweet” variation of beef.

Okay, I could get by without knowing that.

At any rate, human meat is an excellent source of protein and it does cure witches. You can’t say that about your mom’s pot roast now, can you?

Call me crazy, but I’ll betcha “eat me” is not a very popular saying in the jungles of Papau New Guinea.

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