Vampire Woman Gets Horns

Who wouldn’t kill for an awesome set of titanium horns?

If you hover your curser over the image of our pal in the upper-right corner, the caption reads “When you realize you’re the guest of honor at a self-thrown pity party, stop and look around; it could be a hell of a lot worse.”

Meet Mexican tattoo artist Maria Jose Cristerna, also known as “Mujer Vampiro.” (Vampire Woman) This foxy mother of four from Mexico showed off her sexy self at a tattoo exhibition in Monterrey, California recently.

Her “unique look” includes vampire teeth, creepy contacts, and a pair of awesome earrings. Guess what? She’s not finished; Vampire Woman says she plans to have more horns implanted. Of course she does!

The tattoos? Maria says they’re a “form of liberation.” From WHAT Maria? She claims that her new titanium horns are her way of “being immortal.”  She adds that the new horns, which were implanted without anesthetic, are a “symbol of strength.”  Yeah, that – or stupidity.

Good grief.

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Murder Solved After Cops Find Crime Scene Tattooed on Gang Member’s Chest

You just can’t make this stuff up

When 23-year old John Juarez was shot dead in front of a Los Angeles liquor store in 2004, the police were unable to figure out who did it. The case remained unsolved  — until a vigilant cop happened upon a curious mug shot four years later.

Meet 22-year-old Anthony Garcia, a member of the notorious LA gang Rivera-13, who was arrested in 2008 for driving without a license. As part of the booking procedure, police took pictures of his tattoos and entered them into their database.

Later that year, Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Homicide Detective Sergeant Kevin Lloyd was looking through photos when he noticed something odd: the scene tattooed on the front of Garcia‘s chest looked a whole lot like the crime scene from the Juarez murder.

Cincidence? Not so much. Stupidity? You bet:

The LA Sheriff’s Department describes the similarities Lloyd noticed:

The tattoo window and frames of the store are similar to the crime scene photo of the liquor store; even the tattoo line on the roof represents the Christmas lights.

The tattoo shows a “peanut man” being shot by a helicopter, then falling face down.

The gang nickname of convicted murderer Anthony Garcia is “Chopper.”

Garcia’s gang refers to members of its rival gang as “peanuts.”

The direction that the shots were fired matched those depicted in the tattoo.

The tattoo street light and street sign to the left of the liquor store resemble the corner of Rosemead and Carron, the scene of the murder.

After Lloyd recognized the mural, sheriff’s detectives arrested Garcia for the shooting. Believing he was talking to gang members, Garcia bragged to under-cover cops about carrying out the shooting. Of course he did.

Garcia was convicted of first-degree murder this week in a case that police had at one time given up hope of ever solving. That is until Anthony Garcia’s arrogant stupidity got the best of him. The moron of morons.

Study Claims Swearing Can Help Relieve Pain

Screaming #$@%! just might help things after all

The next time you hurt yourself, try screaming your favorite swear words at the top of your lungs. It just might help numb the pain. That’s what new research suggests anyway.

Scientists at Keele University have found that swearing can have a powerful painkilling effect, particularly for people who don’t normally swear. (Relax, there’s still some benefit in it for the rest of us.)

To test the theory, student volunteers placed their hands in buckets of ice cold water while swearing repeatedly.

The exercise was conducted a second time with the volunteers uttering harmless phrases throughout instead of swearing.

Researchers found that the students were able to keep their hands submerged in the icy water for longer periods of time while repeating swear words — establishing a link between swearing and an increase in pain tolerance. They also found that the pain-numbing effect was four times more effective in volunteers who did not normally swear. (No %@!#?)

According to the researchers, the study proves that the response caused by screaming obscenities is not only emotional, but physical as well. This may explain why the age-old practice developed in the first place, and why we persist in embracing it with such exuberance today. (Well #%!& me, I would’ve never guessed)

Dr Richard Stephens, who worked on the project, said: ”Swearing has been around for centuries and is an almost universal human linguistic phenomenon.” (No $%#@, Sherlock)

”It taps into emotional brain centers and appears to arise in the right brain, whereas most language production occurs in the left cerebral hemisphere of the brain. Our research gives us one potential reason why swearing developed and why it persists.”

It’s about %$#&*!! time somebody figured this %$#@ out.

Annoying Orange: No More Mr. Knife Guy

Every once in awhile, a little fresh-squeezed humor is necessary

Have you met this guy yet? His name is Annoying Orange, and that he is. He irritates the hell out of other fruits, vegetables, and nearby animated objects, with stupid puns, jokes, and sarcasm.

Orange lives on a kitchen counter, which he shares with his best friend Pear. Despite being his friend, Pear finds Orange to be just as annoying as everyone else does. Other fruits on the counter include Passion, Midget Apple, Marshmallow, and Grandpa Lemon.

Most episodes of Annoying Orange consist of him heckling other characters, who often not only become annoyed with Orange, but also meet a sudden and gruesome end; usually by evisceration with a chef’s knife. Orange tries to warn them before it happens of course, by blurting out the weapon-in-use, such as “Knife!”

Annoying Orange has his own YouTube channel, but I prefer his website for videos. Check out his travels through time:

You gotta love this little orange smart ass, yellow teeth and all.

Did Aliens Really Land in Roswell?

That question may have just become a whole lot less crazy

I know, I think it’s crazy too. At least I thought it was crazy. It’s one of the most widely-asked questions that arise whenever anyone discusses government secrets: Did aliens land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947?

I’ve always looked down my snarky nose a bit at “saucer freaks.” From their ridiculous conventions to the really weird ones who claim to have been abducted by aliens, (I can never figure out if they’re nuts, or just good liars) I’ve pretty much dismissed the lot of them as looney tunes. Anyway, after the FBI recently opened access to an online “vault” of previously-secret documents, the Roswell question may have just become a lot less crazy.

“The Vault” is the official name the FBI has given to a “revamped FBI website for documents that have been released through the Freedom of Information Act and have been recently or often requested,” according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

According to the website, The Vault contains over 2,000 searchable documents. Enter a keyword in the upper right-hand corner, and up pops a list of matching documents.

Try it yourself: Typing “Roswell” produces a document which may show that aliens did in fact land in Roswell. (Stay with me here) It discloses:

A bizarre memo that appears to prove that aliens did land in New Mexico prior to 1950 has been published by the FBI.

The memo, entitled “Flying Saucers,” was sent to FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover from Guy Hottel, the special agent in charge of the Washington field office in 1950.

In the memo, Agent Hottel reveals that an Air Force investigator had stated that “three so-called flying saucers had been recovered in New Mexico.”

The investigator gave the information to a “special agent,” he said. The FBI has censored the identity of both the Air Force investigator and “special agent.”

Agent Hottel went on to write:

“They were described as being circular in shape with raised centers, approximately 50 feet in diameter. Each one was occupied by three bodies of human shape but only 3 feet tall. The bodies were dressed in a metallic cloth of a very fine texture. Each body was bandaged in a manner similar to the blackout suits used by speed flyers and test pilots.”

Hottel also said that the Air Force investigator claimed the saucers had been found in New Mexico “due to the fact that the Government has a very high-powered radar station in that area and it is believed the radar interfered with the controlling mechanisms of the saucers.”

I still think it’s a bunch of bullhockey, but DAMN. As is the case with the JFK assassination conspiracy theories and Barrack Obama’s birth certificate nonsense, if there is anything we don’t know, when the hell are we gonna find out?

 

Crazy Images From the Past

From guns on bicycles to tennis on the wing of an airplane; these people knew how to party

If you think life in the early 20th century was a laid-back, nap-on-the-porch, grandma and grandpa sort of existence, a trip through these pictures will change your mind; these people were crazy. Safety and self-preservation were yet to be discovered concepts, and a now infamous symbol had an entirely different identity.

Ah, the good old days of the Swastika. Not only did Hitler ruin a perfectly good mustache for future generations, (not to mention the name “Adolph”), he forever deprived the world of one of the classic good-luck symbols of all time: the Swastika. Seriously, prior to its use by the Nazis, the Swastika got around. Check it out:

The Windsor Swastikas were a Canadian hockey team from 1905–1916. It’s safe to say that these uniforms have never been busted out for “throw-back jersey” night, don’t you think?

Then of course there was women’s hockey:

We also had the 1909 Chilocco Indian basketball team and the San Francisco YMCA Swastika:

A bicycle built for two. Has a nostalgic, kinda romantic ring to it, doesn’t it? For these guys — not so much:

This 1890’s photo is of the legendary “Armless Wonder” Charles Tripp of Woodstock, Canada, who was born without arms. In front of him sits Eli Bowen of Ohio, who was born without legs. Is this a match made in heaven, or what? By my calculation, Eli would have to sit on Chuck’s lap for them to drive a car, is that the way you see it?

Tennis, anyone? I don’t know much about physics, but something tells me the ball would never make it to the guy on the other side of the net. I know what you’re thinking; they had to hit it towards the front of the plane to compensate for the wind, right? What about that pesky propeller?

From the “weapons that looked good on paper” department, we have this clever little killing machine:

This would still be funny even if the guy wasn’t wearing a tie, bowler hat and dress shoes. Apparently, natty attire provided a strategic advantage to those brave combatants of yesteryear.

Teddy Roosevelt had a completely different idea for gaining an edge on the enemy:

This picture is real. It was taken during the 1900 presidential election campaign. Beats kissing babies I guess.

Hum Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls just want to have fun” while reading this: From the “Klan just wants to have fun” category, here’s that zany bunch of misfits enjoying a light-hearted day at the fair:

I imagine they stayed away from the roller coaster to avoid the risk of those peek-a-boo hoods flying off, don’t you? Klan babes chose a different form of relaxation back in the day. Who doesn’t love a parade?

From the “who in their right mind would do this the first time?” files, here’s an amusing form of entertainment:

How exactly does one practice for this? Why didn’t the horse refuse to cooperate the second time?

Finally, in the spirit of “it sounded like a good idea at the time,” we have the “Model T vending machine.”

I wonder what you had to do if you put a nickel in the slot, and your car got stuck at the top — like a bag of chips? Shaking or kicking the machine doesn’t seem like it would’ve done the trick, does it?